SusannahRazzie Predictions 2007
February 6th 2007 04:01
RAZZIE PREDICTIONS 2007
Unfortunately I have seen some of the contenders for this year’s Razzies. I have even reviewed two of them. Here are my predictions for how the awards will be dished out to the deserving recipients for making such crap.
WORST PICTURE NOMINEES: Basic Instinct 2; Bloodrayne; Lady in the Water; Little Man; Wicker Man.
WINNER: So much crap to choose from it is almost overwhelming. They are all unequivocally bad. It should either go to Lady in the Water for being pretentious crap or to Little Man for being the worst film of all time. At least with the Wayans you expect them to be bad. Maybe not this bad; but bad none the less. Until Lady in the Water I still expected good things from Shyamalan, but not now. I imagine his next film will be a biopic of Gandhi starring himself, where all the film critics in the world are magically killed by a critics only virus and he beams forward in time to prevent 9/11, and delivers a live television address to the world on racial and religious tolerance that magically cures all ills in the world. Winner: Lady in the Water.
WORST ACTOR NOMINEES: Tim Allen, THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE, THE SHAGGY DOG, ZOOM; Nicholas Cage, WICKER MAN; Larry, The Cable Guy (Dan Whitney), LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR; Rob Schneider, THE BENCHWARMERS, LITTLE MAN; Marlon Wayans & Shawn Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: This is a tough call. Tim Allen obviously leads the category with 3 nominations for 3 terrible performances in 3 bad movies in one year. This cable guy movie – what is that? Surely it cannot be related to the Jim Carrey film that came out about 10 years ago? Rob Schneider is also nominated for 2 terrible performances, and then there are both Wayans nominated for the one cinematic nadir, Little Man, for which Rob Schneider is also nominated. And the Wayans are repeat offenders: White Chicks anyone? Is the sheer weight of their crapness enough to defeat their co-star and the sheer volume of Tim Allen’s craptitude? I think yes. I declare the Wayans will take out this category.
WORST ACTRESS NOMINEES: Hilary and Haylie Duff, MATERIAL GIRLS; Lindsay Lohan, JUST MY LUCK; Kristanna Loken, BLOODRAYNE; Jessica Simpson, EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH; Sharon Stone, BASIC INSTINCT 2.
WINNER: Difficult choices again due to the severe ineptitude of the performances. Who is Haylie Duff anyway, apart from sponging off the debatable fame of her sister? Lindsay Lohan probably only made Just My Luck because she was plastered. Bloodrayne may have been rubbish, but at least Kristanna tried. Jessica Simpson, the jury is still out on whether she can act at all. Sharon Stone should simply have known better. Who wants to see a sequel 12 or so years after the original anyway? Sex thrillers are so 90’s. I think we should stick with siblings and award the Razzie to the Duff’s for the combined vacuity of their effort.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR NOMINEES: Danny Devito, DECK THE HALLS; Ben Kingsley, BLOODRAYNE; M. Night Shyamalan, LADY IN THE WATER; Martin Short, SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE; David Thewlis, BASIC INSTINCT 2, THE OMEN.
WINNER: So much to choose from and so difficult to pick. Ben Kinglsey was so drunk during Bloodrayne that I don’t think he even knew where he was let alone that he was meant to be acting. David Thewlis provides stiff competition with 2 crap supporting efforts. But M. Night Shyamalan as a world changing writer of such importance that he requires a mythical being to come across to the human realm to tell him how bloody important he is, must take the cake for the ego stroking onscreen ode to his own genius (I am still sore that I paid good money to watch that crap). There is no justice in this world if Shyamalan does not win.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Kate Bosworth, SUPERMAN RETURNS; Kristin Chenoweth, DECK THE HALLS, PINK PANTHER, RV; Carmen Electra, DATE MOVIE, SCARY MOVIE 4; Jenny McCarthy, JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE; Michelle Rodriguez, BLOODRAYNE.
WINNER: I actually quite liked Superman Returns and I did not think Kate Bosworth was that bad, if about 10 years too young for the role. How exactly do you give birth to a child who looks about 8 years old, win a Pulitzer, and become a top reporter while only looking 24? Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy much of a muchness with bad comedy performances in bad comedy films. Michelle Rodriguez managed to scowl her way through Bloodrayne, but if you have seen TV’s Lost you will know that that is her habitual acting mode. So the Razzie will probably go to Kristin Chenoweth for 3 bad supporting turns.
WORST SCREEN COUPLE NOMINATIONS: Tim Allen and Martin Short, THE SANTA CLAUSE 3; Nicholas Cage and His Bear Suit, THE WICKER MAN; Hilary and Haylie Duff, MATERIAL GIRLS; Sharon Stone’s Lop-Sided Breasts, BASIC INSTINCT 2; Shawn Wayans and either Kerry Washington or Marlon Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: The Razzie organisers are comic geniuses: Nicholas Cage and His Bear Suit? What is that about – I don’t remember that from the original? But I have seen pictures and it looks pretty funny. Sharon Stone’s breasts, I guess you could say they do give their own uneven performance in the sequel. The Duff’s again providing their own onscreen charisma black hole. I think if you pair a Wayans with anyone you will get a bad onscreen couple, especially when you put two Wayans together – it can only implode. But I will have to go with Sharon’s breasts – I am sure they manage to get more screen time than her face.
WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF NOMINATIONS: Little Man, Rip-off of the 1954 Bugs Bunny Cartoon “Baby Buggy Bunny;” Pink Panther; Poseidon; The Shaggy Dog Story; Wicker Man.
WINNER: So much terrible rehashing, so little time. Little man was a universally panned boil on the face of celluloid. But all reports suggest that the remake of The Wicker Man was so woefully bad and unscary that the studio has to smuggle it into theatres and onto DVD rental shelves in order to fool people into seeing it. Plus it will sully the memory of what is a very disturbing, horrific, and original 70’s horror film. But what the hell, I hate the Wayans and they must be discouraged from polluting the world with their unfunnyness. So give the Razzie to Little Man – please.
WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL NOMINATIONS: Basic Instinct 2; Big Momma’s House 2; Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties; Santa Clause 3; Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.
WINNER: This category is littered with completely unnecessary films. Sequels to films that were not special enough to warrant any kind of continuation in any format. What was the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Prequel meant to Begin? A lineage of crap? There already was a prequel to the original anyway. Still, Basic Instinct 2 was the most pointless and waited the longest between instalments. Send the Razzie Sharon’s way again please.
WORST DIRECTOR NOMINATIONS: Uwe Boll, BLOODRAYNE; Michael Caton-Jones, BASIC INSTINCT 2; Ron Howard, THE DA VINCI CODE; M. Night Shyamalan, LADY IN THE WATER; Keenan Ivory Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: Uwe Boll is just too easy a choice because he is always bad. Same goes for the Wayans who doesn’t act but exists only to inflict bad movies on us. Who is Michael Caton-Jones anyway? No, I think to really deserve this category you need to be someone who is usually well regarded but who has directed something so bad that it is worse than just a blip on the resume, but a film that is actually reviled for its badness. Who actually liked The Da Vinci Code? Anyone? How could Ron Howard take a pot-boiling page turner of a thriller and turn it into the world’s most boring movie? What should have been a suspenseful thriller in the vein of Hitchcock contained all the tension of a 2 minute noodle. Don’t get me started on how bad Lady in the Water was. Give the Razzie to Ron Hoawrd for murdering in one foul adaptation any interest anyone ever had in The Da Vinci Code.
WORST SCREENPLAY NOMINATIONS: Basic Instinct 2; Bloodrayne; Lady in the Water; Little Man; Wicker Man.
WINNER: They are all rubbish. They all deserve to take this one out. If I wrote something that bad I would have to hang up my keyboard. Bloodrayne did contain some of the worst dialogue ever written. Winner: Bloodrayne.
WORST EXCUSE FOR FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT (NEW CATEGORY) NOMINATIONS: Deck the Halls; Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties; RV; Santa Clause 3; The Shaggy Dog.
WINNER: Mercifully I managed to avoid all these movies. But for sheer unnecessary infliction upon the unsuspecting masses when they are bored and vulnerable over Christmas, I will have to go with Santa Clause 3.
Unfortunately I have seen some of the contenders for this year’s Razzies. I have even reviewed two of them. Here are my predictions for how the awards will be dished out to the deserving recipients for making such crap.
WORST PICTURE NOMINEES: Basic Instinct 2; Bloodrayne; Lady in the Water; Little Man; Wicker Man.
WINNER: So much crap to choose from it is almost overwhelming. They are all unequivocally bad. It should either go to Lady in the Water for being pretentious crap or to Little Man for being the worst film of all time. At least with the Wayans you expect them to be bad. Maybe not this bad; but bad none the less. Until Lady in the Water I still expected good things from Shyamalan, but not now. I imagine his next film will be a biopic of Gandhi starring himself, where all the film critics in the world are magically killed by a critics only virus and he beams forward in time to prevent 9/11, and delivers a live television address to the world on racial and religious tolerance that magically cures all ills in the world. Winner: Lady in the Water.
WORST ACTOR NOMINEES: Tim Allen, THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE, THE SHAGGY DOG, ZOOM; Nicholas Cage, WICKER MAN; Larry, The Cable Guy (Dan Whitney), LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR; Rob Schneider, THE BENCHWARMERS, LITTLE MAN; Marlon Wayans & Shawn Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: This is a tough call. Tim Allen obviously leads the category with 3 nominations for 3 terrible performances in 3 bad movies in one year. This cable guy movie – what is that? Surely it cannot be related to the Jim Carrey film that came out about 10 years ago? Rob Schneider is also nominated for 2 terrible performances, and then there are both Wayans nominated for the one cinematic nadir, Little Man, for which Rob Schneider is also nominated. And the Wayans are repeat offenders: White Chicks anyone? Is the sheer weight of their crapness enough to defeat their co-star and the sheer volume of Tim Allen’s craptitude? I think yes. I declare the Wayans will take out this category.
WORST ACTRESS NOMINEES: Hilary and Haylie Duff, MATERIAL GIRLS; Lindsay Lohan, JUST MY LUCK; Kristanna Loken, BLOODRAYNE; Jessica Simpson, EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH; Sharon Stone, BASIC INSTINCT 2.
WINNER: Difficult choices again due to the severe ineptitude of the performances. Who is Haylie Duff anyway, apart from sponging off the debatable fame of her sister? Lindsay Lohan probably only made Just My Luck because she was plastered. Bloodrayne may have been rubbish, but at least Kristanna tried. Jessica Simpson, the jury is still out on whether she can act at all. Sharon Stone should simply have known better. Who wants to see a sequel 12 or so years after the original anyway? Sex thrillers are so 90’s. I think we should stick with siblings and award the Razzie to the Duff’s for the combined vacuity of their effort.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR NOMINEES: Danny Devito, DECK THE HALLS; Ben Kingsley, BLOODRAYNE; M. Night Shyamalan, LADY IN THE WATER; Martin Short, SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE; David Thewlis, BASIC INSTINCT 2, THE OMEN.
WINNER: So much to choose from and so difficult to pick. Ben Kinglsey was so drunk during Bloodrayne that I don’t think he even knew where he was let alone that he was meant to be acting. David Thewlis provides stiff competition with 2 crap supporting efforts. But M. Night Shyamalan as a world changing writer of such importance that he requires a mythical being to come across to the human realm to tell him how bloody important he is, must take the cake for the ego stroking onscreen ode to his own genius (I am still sore that I paid good money to watch that crap). There is no justice in this world if Shyamalan does not win.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Kate Bosworth, SUPERMAN RETURNS; Kristin Chenoweth, DECK THE HALLS, PINK PANTHER, RV; Carmen Electra, DATE MOVIE, SCARY MOVIE 4; Jenny McCarthy, JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE; Michelle Rodriguez, BLOODRAYNE.
WINNER: I actually quite liked Superman Returns and I did not think Kate Bosworth was that bad, if about 10 years too young for the role. How exactly do you give birth to a child who looks about 8 years old, win a Pulitzer, and become a top reporter while only looking 24? Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy much of a muchness with bad comedy performances in bad comedy films. Michelle Rodriguez managed to scowl her way through Bloodrayne, but if you have seen TV’s Lost you will know that that is her habitual acting mode. So the Razzie will probably go to Kristin Chenoweth for 3 bad supporting turns.
WORST SCREEN COUPLE NOMINATIONS: Tim Allen and Martin Short, THE SANTA CLAUSE 3; Nicholas Cage and His Bear Suit, THE WICKER MAN; Hilary and Haylie Duff, MATERIAL GIRLS; Sharon Stone’s Lop-Sided Breasts, BASIC INSTINCT 2; Shawn Wayans and either Kerry Washington or Marlon Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: The Razzie organisers are comic geniuses: Nicholas Cage and His Bear Suit? What is that about – I don’t remember that from the original? But I have seen pictures and it looks pretty funny. Sharon Stone’s breasts, I guess you could say they do give their own uneven performance in the sequel. The Duff’s again providing their own onscreen charisma black hole. I think if you pair a Wayans with anyone you will get a bad onscreen couple, especially when you put two Wayans together – it can only implode. But I will have to go with Sharon’s breasts – I am sure they manage to get more screen time than her face.
WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF NOMINATIONS: Little Man, Rip-off of the 1954 Bugs Bunny Cartoon “Baby Buggy Bunny;” Pink Panther; Poseidon; The Shaggy Dog Story; Wicker Man.
WINNER: So much terrible rehashing, so little time. Little man was a universally panned boil on the face of celluloid. But all reports suggest that the remake of The Wicker Man was so woefully bad and unscary that the studio has to smuggle it into theatres and onto DVD rental shelves in order to fool people into seeing it. Plus it will sully the memory of what is a very disturbing, horrific, and original 70’s horror film. But what the hell, I hate the Wayans and they must be discouraged from polluting the world with their unfunnyness. So give the Razzie to Little Man – please.
WORST PREQUEL OR SEQUEL NOMINATIONS: Basic Instinct 2; Big Momma’s House 2; Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties; Santa Clause 3; Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.
WINNER: This category is littered with completely unnecessary films. Sequels to films that were not special enough to warrant any kind of continuation in any format. What was the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Prequel meant to Begin? A lineage of crap? There already was a prequel to the original anyway. Still, Basic Instinct 2 was the most pointless and waited the longest between instalments. Send the Razzie Sharon’s way again please.
WORST DIRECTOR NOMINATIONS: Uwe Boll, BLOODRAYNE; Michael Caton-Jones, BASIC INSTINCT 2; Ron Howard, THE DA VINCI CODE; M. Night Shyamalan, LADY IN THE WATER; Keenan Ivory Wayans, LITTLE MAN.
WINNER: Uwe Boll is just too easy a choice because he is always bad. Same goes for the Wayans who doesn’t act but exists only to inflict bad movies on us. Who is Michael Caton-Jones anyway? No, I think to really deserve this category you need to be someone who is usually well regarded but who has directed something so bad that it is worse than just a blip on the resume, but a film that is actually reviled for its badness. Who actually liked The Da Vinci Code? Anyone? How could Ron Howard take a pot-boiling page turner of a thriller and turn it into the world’s most boring movie? What should have been a suspenseful thriller in the vein of Hitchcock contained all the tension of a 2 minute noodle. Don’t get me started on how bad Lady in the Water was. Give the Razzie to Ron Hoawrd for murdering in one foul adaptation any interest anyone ever had in The Da Vinci Code.
WORST SCREENPLAY NOMINATIONS: Basic Instinct 2; Bloodrayne; Lady in the Water; Little Man; Wicker Man.
WINNER: They are all rubbish. They all deserve to take this one out. If I wrote something that bad I would have to hang up my keyboard. Bloodrayne did contain some of the worst dialogue ever written. Winner: Bloodrayne.
WORST EXCUSE FOR FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT (NEW CATEGORY) NOMINATIONS: Deck the Halls; Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties; RV; Santa Clause 3; The Shaggy Dog.
WINNER: Mercifully I managed to avoid all these movies. But for sheer unnecessary infliction upon the unsuspecting masses when they are bored and vulnerable over Christmas, I will have to go with Santa Clause 3.
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Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
But as for Uwe Boll. He should be hung, drawn and quartered.
Nuff said.