SusannahUwe Boll Collection
January 7th 2007 07:06
House of the Dead (2003)
Starring: Will Sanderson, Ona Grauer, Jurgen Prochnow.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff.
BloodRayne (2005)
Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley.
Dir: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll movies are an acquired taste. A very acquired taste considering that he is widely regarded as one of the worst film directors working today. Both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark feature on the IMDB’s Worst 100 movies list. Here we will take a look at his three most recent offerings: are they as bad as all that?
Based on the video game of the same name House of the Dead is not really any more intelligent than if you were behind the controls yourself. In fact if you could control the characters you would probably end up with a better movie. Here’s the gist of it: a bunch of teenagers want to go to a rave hosted on an island that none of the locals will go near (could that be a clue?) So they hire Captain Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow) and his boat to take them there. When they arrive they find that everyone has already been decimated by zombies. They decide to leave, as you would, but when they get back to the boat it is overrun by zombies! (Bad).Captain Kirk then mentions he is a gun smuggler and has a cache of weapons hidden on the island (Good). They get the weapons, but instead of shooting the zombies off the boat and sailing away to safety, they decide to take refuge in some rickety old cabin someone spotted (Bad), but at least that explains the “house” part of the title.
This is in no way a good movie. The acting is bad, the sets are bad, and the effects are bad. It does have a camp so-bad-it-is-good quality. Boll tries some experiments with the camera including character deaths where they exit game style by dying in a bullet cam pan. He also incorporates some game graphics! The big shoot-out outside the house is worth a watch as an adequate action set piece. The explanation for the zombies involves some lame period set flashbacks where a demonic guy sets up some unholy experiments in the style of Dr. Moreau.
Sample dialogue: “Why aren’t these zombies alive like the other ones?”
And there was me thinking zombies were the undead: as in reanimated corpses.
More sample dialogue:
Question: “You did all this to become immortal? Why?”
Answer: “To live forever.”
Really? To live forever? You don’t say.
And that brings us to Alone in the Dark. Based on the video game of the same name, again, it opens with an interminably long scrolling narration which gives you a whole bunch of plot background involving artefacts, some tribe called the Abkani, a portal to demonic realm, some government agency investigating the paranormal, and an orphan-stealing madman who conducted some experiments back in the day. Got that? Apparently the blurb was added after test audiences found the plot of the film confusing.
Featuring a B-list cast well past their use by date in the talents of Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff (you couldn’t ask for less). The film opens properly with an action chase scene involving some supernatural guy trying to beat up Edward Carnby as played by Christian Slater, a man who collects artefacts because he is trying to find out what happened to the orphans, him being the only one who escaped all those years ago.
Sample Dialogue:
Carnby: “Fear is what keeps us safe from what we don’t believe in.”
I hate it when imaginary things try to attack me too.
This film is just plain bad. Whereas Boll’s previous zombie effort was camp, with interesting camera effects, this is just plain dull and confusing. Credit goes to Slater for actually trying. Tara Reid is boring as his girlfriend, but then she has less than nothing to do in it. Dorff expends some effort, channelling Kiefer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer from 24 for the role of the paranormal unit head, but nothing can save this. The creature effects are just bad, bad, bad. There is little gore action, and the big shoot out is boring. The plot is fractured and difficult to follow but it is so dull you won’t care.
Now for BloodRayne, and, you guessed it, it is based on a videogame of the same name! Complete with a budget period setting, and shot in Romania, it centres around the character of Rayne, who is a dhampir (a half human half vampire for those who don’t know – the word looks much better written down than when spoken) as played by Kristanna Loken. She has to team up with Brimstone, a group who specialises in stopping evil people doing evil things. There is supposed to be a whole collective of them, but for the most part it just seems to comprise of a scowling Michelle Rodriguez and a somnambulant Michael Madsen in a bad wig. Anyway, Rayne has to gather together three talisman things before the full vampire, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), can get them and become the supreme evil ruler of everything.
Sample Dialogue:
Kagan: “Find her and kill her if she has the eye take it and then kill her.”
You will notice that I typed that without punctuation. That’s because it was delivered without punctuation, in the most uninspired monotone you will ever hear. It became known after filming that one of the actors in BloodRayne repeatedly showed up on set drunk. After watching it you will know who that was. Ben Kinslgey is completely trashed throughout. There is only one scene where he seemed sober. The rest of the time he is sitting down, probably strapped to the chair, regurgitating his dialogue in yet another bad wig. At the end of the movie, when called on to fight the heroine, they have to prop him up as he drunkenly lurches toward Rayne with his sword pointed straight out like it’s guiding him. He is honestly that plastered.
Loken tries hard, but she cannot save this film from the script. Uwe Boll tries to add some directorial flair now that his budget can accommodate helicopter shots, and tries a weak impersonation of Lord of the Rings, but it is still bad. There are two scenery chewing cameos from Meatloaf and Billy Zane, both of whose characters are pointless, but they add some fun and, yes, unconvincing hairpieces - Billy Zane’s wig is on crooked in his first scene. The film also features one of the funniest sex scenes ever committed to celluloid. A banging door will never seem the same again.
Conclusion:
House of the Dead – so camp it is good. Almost.
Alone in the Dark – just plain bad. Soon to be followed by Alone in the Dark 2, which, alas, Boll is not directing.
BloodRayne – so amazingly awful it is good. Well, insofar as any such thing can be called good. Soon to be followed by BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, which, alas, Kristanna Loken declined to return for. She had other commitments at the time of filming, like washing her hair.
Starring: Will Sanderson, Ona Grauer, Jurgen Prochnow.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff.
BloodRayne (2005)
Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley.
Dir: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll movies are an acquired taste. A very acquired taste considering that he is widely regarded as one of the worst film directors working today. Both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark feature on the IMDB’s Worst 100 movies list. Here we will take a look at his three most recent offerings: are they as bad as all that?
Based on the video game of the same name House of the Dead is not really any more intelligent than if you were behind the controls yourself. In fact if you could control the characters you would probably end up with a better movie. Here’s the gist of it: a bunch of teenagers want to go to a rave hosted on an island that none of the locals will go near (could that be a clue?) So they hire Captain Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow) and his boat to take them there. When they arrive they find that everyone has already been decimated by zombies. They decide to leave, as you would, but when they get back to the boat it is overrun by zombies! (Bad).Captain Kirk then mentions he is a gun smuggler and has a cache of weapons hidden on the island (Good). They get the weapons, but instead of shooting the zombies off the boat and sailing away to safety, they decide to take refuge in some rickety old cabin someone spotted (Bad), but at least that explains the “house” part of the title.
This is in no way a good movie. The acting is bad, the sets are bad, and the effects are bad. It does have a camp so-bad-it-is-good quality. Boll tries some experiments with the camera including character deaths where they exit game style by dying in a bullet cam pan. He also incorporates some game graphics! The big shoot-out outside the house is worth a watch as an adequate action set piece. The explanation for the zombies involves some lame period set flashbacks where a demonic guy sets up some unholy experiments in the style of Dr. Moreau.
Sample dialogue: “Why aren’t these zombies alive like the other ones?”
And there was me thinking zombies were the undead: as in reanimated corpses.
More sample dialogue:
Question: “You did all this to become immortal? Why?”
Answer: “To live forever.”
Really? To live forever? You don’t say.
And that brings us to Alone in the Dark. Based on the video game of the same name, again, it opens with an interminably long scrolling narration which gives you a whole bunch of plot background involving artefacts, some tribe called the Abkani, a portal to demonic realm, some government agency investigating the paranormal, and an orphan-stealing madman who conducted some experiments back in the day. Got that? Apparently the blurb was added after test audiences found the plot of the film confusing.
Featuring a B-list cast well past their use by date in the talents of Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff (you couldn’t ask for less). The film opens properly with an action chase scene involving some supernatural guy trying to beat up Edward Carnby as played by Christian Slater, a man who collects artefacts because he is trying to find out what happened to the orphans, him being the only one who escaped all those years ago.
Sample Dialogue:
Carnby: “Fear is what keeps us safe from what we don’t believe in.”
I hate it when imaginary things try to attack me too.
This film is just plain bad. Whereas Boll’s previous zombie effort was camp, with interesting camera effects, this is just plain dull and confusing. Credit goes to Slater for actually trying. Tara Reid is boring as his girlfriend, but then she has less than nothing to do in it. Dorff expends some effort, channelling Kiefer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer from 24 for the role of the paranormal unit head, but nothing can save this. The creature effects are just bad, bad, bad. There is little gore action, and the big shoot out is boring. The plot is fractured and difficult to follow but it is so dull you won’t care.
Now for BloodRayne, and, you guessed it, it is based on a videogame of the same name! Complete with a budget period setting, and shot in Romania, it centres around the character of Rayne, who is a dhampir (a half human half vampire for those who don’t know – the word looks much better written down than when spoken) as played by Kristanna Loken. She has to team up with Brimstone, a group who specialises in stopping evil people doing evil things. There is supposed to be a whole collective of them, but for the most part it just seems to comprise of a scowling Michelle Rodriguez and a somnambulant Michael Madsen in a bad wig. Anyway, Rayne has to gather together three talisman things before the full vampire, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), can get them and become the supreme evil ruler of everything.
Sample Dialogue:
Kagan: “Find her and kill her if she has the eye take it and then kill her.”
You will notice that I typed that without punctuation. That’s because it was delivered without punctuation, in the most uninspired monotone you will ever hear. It became known after filming that one of the actors in BloodRayne repeatedly showed up on set drunk. After watching it you will know who that was. Ben Kinslgey is completely trashed throughout. There is only one scene where he seemed sober. The rest of the time he is sitting down, probably strapped to the chair, regurgitating his dialogue in yet another bad wig. At the end of the movie, when called on to fight the heroine, they have to prop him up as he drunkenly lurches toward Rayne with his sword pointed straight out like it’s guiding him. He is honestly that plastered.
Loken tries hard, but she cannot save this film from the script. Uwe Boll tries to add some directorial flair now that his budget can accommodate helicopter shots, and tries a weak impersonation of Lord of the Rings, but it is still bad. There are two scenery chewing cameos from Meatloaf and Billy Zane, both of whose characters are pointless, but they add some fun and, yes, unconvincing hairpieces - Billy Zane’s wig is on crooked in his first scene. The film also features one of the funniest sex scenes ever committed to celluloid. A banging door will never seem the same again.
Conclusion:
House of the Dead – so camp it is good. Almost.
Alone in the Dark – just plain bad. Soon to be followed by Alone in the Dark 2, which, alas, Boll is not directing.
BloodRayne – so amazingly awful it is good. Well, insofar as any such thing can be called good. Soon to be followed by BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, which, alas, Kristanna Loken declined to return for. She had other commitments at the time of filming, like washing her hair.
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